Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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