If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
