we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
