I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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