listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize