dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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