You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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