There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
