Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
