I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
