u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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