Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
