I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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