Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i will never coherently bang her
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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