she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
