Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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