He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
