if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
