all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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