I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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