Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
