I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
