our cab driver is having phone sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize