6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
