you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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