i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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