i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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