Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
