Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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