No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
