Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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