I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
