True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
