Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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