Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
