You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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