I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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