I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
