i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
