tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
