how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
