paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
