As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
