Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Success! We fucked roommates!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
