You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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