i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
