I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
