I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
