you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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