i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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