Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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