dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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