I puked a lego.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
