There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
