Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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