hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
MIDGETS
????
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
