It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Send help, water and tortillas.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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