Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
