somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
