all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
